I’ve thought about writing this post many times. I thought about the timing. I thought about the messaging. I’ve thought about all things pregnancy/baby for many years, and I know I’m not alone.
Today, I’m writing from a perspective of being able to take the next step past infertility, as I sit here 16 weeks pregnant. What an incredible blessing, what a miracle. So often we see pregnancy announcements on social media and never know the back story, and that’s why I wanted to share a bit about ours.
Lesson 1: Pregnancy is a challenging journey for many
I always knew I would wait a bit to start a family. I think I used to say: It would be nice to have had a kid by the time I turn 30. Well, marriage + travels + career work pushed that back a bit. But when I spoke to my Ob-gyn at the time about starting to try to get pregnant soon, she warned me that it may take 6 months.
In my head, I thought I could beat that timeline. I’m a bit of a competitive person. I’m a go-getter and goal setter and checker. My husband and I were young and healthy. And I had been off birth control for a while because I had some related anxiety.
And so (at 29), we started trying and trusted God’s timing for us. I knew I was going to be so chill and not controlling about the process (yeah, right). And nothing happened. Each month, I hoped and planned and scheduled and yet, it wasn’t working. I got some tips from others, started monitoring my cycle (yay, Clue), using ovulation tests and yet nothing happened for months and months.
After we had been trying for over a year, I met with Ob-gyn. We tried a few months of medicines to boost ovulation but still nothing. Starting now and throughout the process, I became very used to doctors being a little dumbfounded yet feeling positive for us. And I learned that 1/3 of couples experiences infertility: not being able to conceive while trying for at least a year. Wow! I knew that it could happen but had no clue how common it is.
After about another year, my OB recommended a specialist to look at both my husband and me in more detail. So, we went and got some blood tests and an ultrasound. Things still looked pretty good. I remember the doctor saying, “There’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to get pregnant.” I did the HSG test and that was normal. And so we kept trying for months and months. The doctors at that practice said IUI would be the best next step.
*Important side note that I would be remiss if I didn’t mention: Please don’t ask people (especially those you don’t know well) any of these questions. They can feel be very triggering and shame-based to those going through infertility:
- When are you going to have a baby?
- What’s your baby timeline? Can I get a date? (Yes, someone actually asked me this.)
- Next step, baby, right?!
Lesson 2: Trust your gut
This is something I started to learn in this confusing, depressing and very out-of-control process. You should trust your gut.
While I knew that we weren’t getting any positive pregnancy tests (or even making it to that point of testing before I started my cycle again), I didn’t feel good about moving to the IUI step. I 100% support whatever your fertility journey looks like and I think science is amazing and empowering! But, for me, I just wasn’t ready to take that next step and wondered if there was something else going on that we could fix.
And then I found a local clinic that specialized in more natural fertility treatments (still using meds and science, but with the goal of helping to conceive before intervention like IUI). I felt really good about this, and we started meeting with a doctor there after we had been trying for about 2.5 years. They told me that they would take a look at everything (my husband’s sperm results + ALL about me). While it was not easy being poked and prodded and going for ultrasounds (and not the fun over-the-belly ones) several days in a row to look at ovulation, this was helpful. I had hard data about my fertility, ovulation, cycle tracking, hormones and what was ideal for conception.
I went on a few hormones to adjust a few areas and started using their process for daily tracking (monitoring discharge, etc.). And while nothing happened immediately, I felt like I had a plan of attack. And then, during my ultrasounds, they found an ovarian cyst. I remember that word scaring the heck out of me. Although they said it could be normal, I really didn’t like that word, cyst. And then, the cyst stuck around for several months, and it was clear that it would need to be surgically removed.
I was distraught at that point. Why couldn’t it have gone away on its own? Why me? Why is this process so long and hard for us? Why do I have to get over this hurdle before even getting pregnant? Can I even get pregnant after the cyst is removed?
It took a lot of comforting and encouragement from God, family and friends until I got to the point where I was embracing a cystectomy as the next step in our journey. I went through the surgery in the fall of 2020 (so fun in the midst of COVID), and recovered and hoped that it would help improve our chances! And I don’t know if anyone would have found that cyst unless I had gone through all of the intensive testing, which made me grateful for sticking with my gut.
Lesson 3: There is power in transparency & vulnerability
Throughout the process, one of the biggest lessons I learned was the richness and beauty of transparency and vulnerability.
There is so much shame attached to infertility, whether from inside yourself or from outside (people asking when you’re going to have kids/everyone else getting pregnant/family members having kids and their lives moving forward seemingly faster than yours). It is a really, really tough journey. If you’ve been there, you know. And there are so many variations of that journey, too. Most women carry pain around this subject, and that’s important to realize.
I learned in the first 6 months to a year that as I shared my story with others, I was met with so much support and love and even others with similar stories. There is so much beauty in sharing our struggles and where we need help. This is not always easy for me, but I got to reap the rewards of opening up and seeing others open up, too.
Also, it was an important time for me to cling to God, his promises to me and his promise of hope. I knew he had a plan in it all. Somedays I could see that clearer than others. There were plenty of mornings and evenings spent crying curled up on my bed, don’t be fooled. But, there were also days of so much hope and love and dreams of the future. I was lucky to have a comforting and steadfast husband by my side for all of it, and also a family member who had gone through infertility and made it to the other side who was willing to chat with me every few months.
Lesson 4: Don’t stop living even with crappy timing
I’ll try not to bury the lead, but a few months after my cystectomy, I had my last appointment with my specialist (before she moved cities and clinics), and she suggested trying post-luteal progesterone treatment. I felt weirdly confident that I was good on the ovulation side (I got positive tests around day 12-15 basically every month), but I agreed that I had some inconsistencies on the length of my post-luteal phase. I was ready to try something else…and hoping that I wouldn’t have to try something else after that.
One month of taking progesterone, I had the longest cycle I’ve ever had, which obviously led me to think I may be pregnant, but then, I wasn’t. That month was really hard. I felt so close, but I hoped that it was a good sign.
And then the next month of taking progesterone, I finally got to take a pregnancy test and bam, it was positive! I’ll still never forget that moment: Three plus years into this journey of trying to get pregnant and I finally got to see a positive test. It was an incredible feeling, almost unreal. I knew that after what we had been through, I would not take this next part of the journey for granted.
Although I would not have asked to go on this journey, I have to look back and see the positives within it. My husband and I got to travel a lot. That was actually one of our coping mechanisms, and I think it’s a great one. We did an 8-day trip to France, an epic trip to Wales, England and Scotland. And we did some domestic traveling, too.
If you’re on your own infertility journey, find ways to keep living. Ramp up your hobbies, travel more, start a savings account for that future baby. No shame in taking some days to grieve your situation. That is necessary and healthy. But then, when you can lift yourself up from that place, see ways you can use your current time to grow yourself or help others.
Lesson 5: Be patient
I bought the print at the top of this post many, many years ago. Years before I even started thinking about trying to start a family. But, I probably knew then what I know now, that I’m not wired to be a very patient person.
I don’t like waiting, and yet that’s been a constant theme in my life. In fact, I’ve found in talking to others, that we all go through seasons of waiting. (Bonus: If you’re looking for a good book on this subject, I loved this one.)
And yet, there is so much to be learned and grown in seasons of waiting (so much so that I’m working on a poetry book around this subject- follow @gcfpoetry on Insta for updates). It is NOT easy to sit in these seasons, but there is fruit that comes from them.
I can say I’m grateful for the experiences that have brought me here. It was not always pretty or happy to get there, but I’ve made it. And it’s made me the mom that I will be. And it’s enriched my community with friends and family I can connect with it new, deeper ways. And it’s reminded me that there is always hope. And I’m becoming more patient, slowly, but surely. It’s a work in progress.
If you’ve made it down to this point, thank you for reading my story. May you be able to share your own in the time and place that is meant for you. If you’re on an infertility journey, I’m holding so much hope for you.